by Paul Simmons | Jun 23, 2022 | Wellness
If you’ve decided it’s time to give therapy a try, finding a therapist that’s right for you is paramount to managing your mental health.
Your therapist will undoubtedly have an impact on reaching your wellness goals, so it’s important to choose carefully and find a therapist who is a good fit.
Here are some tactics to try when looking for a therapist.
Identify your wellness goals
When you start identifying your wellness goals, focus on pain points that need to be relieved. Then figure out what type of therapist you’d feel comfortable talking to about these pain points.
Ask yourself what you’re hoping to get out of therapy. Do you just need someone to listen, or are you hoping to gain coping skills? Are you looking for a specific type of therapy, like cognitive behavioral, or family-focused? Learn more about the different styles of therapy.
It can be helpful to outline your wellness goals and what you think it will take to reach them so you can discuss this with your therapist.
To get a holistic picture of where you’re at in terms of mental health wellness, try DBSA’s Wellness Wheel or Wellness Tracker.
Consider who you would work best with
You’ll be talking about some heavy topics with your therapist, so it’s important that you feel comfortable with them.
Some factors to consider when looking for a therapist include:
Gender: Would you feel most comfortable with a man, woman, or nonbinary person?
Age: Would you do best with someone older, younger, or around your age?
Religion: Does it matter to you if the therapist has a particular religious belief system? Would you prefer someone who shares beliefs in line with your own?
Culture: Especially for historically marginalized groups, it can be comforting to speak with a therapist who shares a similar cultural background.
If you have specific concerns, come up with interview questions for your potential therapist. Some therapists conduct a consultation phone call before your first appointment where you can ask questions such as:
- How much experience do you have working with people who live with [issue you’re seeking treatment for]?
- What kinds of treatments have you found effective in resolving [issue you’re seeking treatment for]?
- What treatments do you offer?
- Can you tell me about your fees? Do you use a sliding-scale (i.e., lower fees for people with lower income)?
A consultation call will give you an opportunity to assess their warmth, attitude and empathy.
Starting your search
If you have insurance, use your provider directory to identify providers in your plan’s network.
You’ll also need to find out if your plan limits the number of sessions you can attend each year and if using an out-of-network therapist will affect your out-of-pocket costs.
You can also consult a reliable online database to find a licensed therapist.
Some of the most commonly used online databases include:
- American Psychological Association
- Association of LGBTQ+ Psychiatrists
- National Eating Disorders Association
- Anxiety and Depression Association of America
- National Center for PTSD
- Therapy for Black Girls
- Black Mental Health Alliance
- The National Asian American Pacific Islander Mental Health Association, a nonprofit dedicated to the mental health and well-being of the Asian American and Pacific Islander communities.
- WeRNative, which provides Native American youth with tools for holistic health and growth, including mental health resources.
- Latinx Therapy
Your local community might also have resources you can tap into. If you’re a student attending college, your school might provide access to a counseling center.
If you’re employed, your employee assistance program might offer a list of therapists.
If you need counseling related to domestic or sexual abuse, you might be able to find group or individual therapy through a local advocacy organization.
Churches, synagogues, mosques and other places of worship might also keep a list of licensed therapists affiliated with your faith.
If you’re already a part of a DBSA support group, your peers might have suggestions of therapists or therapy styles they have found most effective.
Trust your gut
Finding the right therapist is a personal decision. Human connection is at the heart of effective therapy, and if you’re not feeling a connection, it’s alright to keep looking. When you find a therapist that’s a good fit for you, you’re more likely to get the most out of the experience and work toward reaching your wellness goals.
by Paul Simmons | Feb 24, 2022 | Depression Help
Written by Sky Lea Ross
Through my experiences as a mental health professional, what I hear from my clients as well as within my own conversations, as a person who lives with episodic depression, it has come to my attention that many people don’t know how to provide comfort or respond appropriately in times of need. Instead of listening to what’s being said & taking the time necessary to digest it, reflect on it, then proceed with a constructive response, people jump to conclusions & say the first thing that comes to mind. Or, in other words, they react. But, many times, this can be unhelpful, or possibly even detrimental &/or destructive to the person that is in distress. See, when you react, there is no tact. In order to respond, you must think beyond the initial reaction.
Therefore, to try & resolve this common dilemma, I thought I’d come up with a list of reaction pitfalls to avoid & healthy ways of responding. I am inspired to create such a list by communication theorists, such as Carl Rogers, the creator of Client-Centered Therapy (Search for “Unconditional Positive Regard” “Empathic Attunement,” & “Acceptance.”), psychologist & couples counselor Gary Chapman, who authored The Five Love Languages, & Virginia Satir, who identified four unhealthy forms of communication (i.e. Blaming, Placating, Computing, & Distracting) as well as hypothesized a solution, A.K.A. “Leveling.” For more information on her studies & ideas, you can check out her book The New Peoplemaking. Mine are very similar to hers, but rather, they’re situational, and I break them down into specific categories with concise details & examples.
Yes, personally, I am educated and trained as a Psychotherapist. But these suggestions are simple and can help any layperson communicate more empathically and effectively. Without further ado, here are the 4 reactions to avoid:
1. Dismissing/Minimizing
This happens all of the time. Someone comes to you upset or with a problem, & the first thing you say is “Could be worse.” Or, “It’s not even that bad.” One step further, you bring up a story that happened to you or someone you know & compare/contrast. This is not helpful. It just makes the person feel bad for mentioning what they’re going through, negates their problem, & makes it look as if they’re complaining & whining. People, especially those of us who suffer from depression, want to feel heard & understood. Being dismissive or minimizing the problem makes it seem as if it doesn’t matter, which only makes us feel more alone & like a burden to others.
Another way of being dismissive is being too cheerful or overly optimistic. Saying things like “Just think positive!” Or, “Look at the bright side!” Toxic positivity is a thing.
Or, perhaps trying to cheer the person up by making a ton of jokes or changing the subject. If a person is feeling down, this will only make them feel like you can’t see where they’re coming from or are too uncomfortable yourself to discuss their sorrows. Being superficially happy is not a solution. Being realistic & supportive is.
2. Gaslighting
The definition of “gaslighting” is when you make someone feel crazy by discrediting them & making them doubt themselves. The way this is most often done to depressed individuals is when they hear phrases like, “It’s all in your head!” “You’re choosing to feel this way!” “You’re making this up!” “There’s nothing wrong!” “Stop being so negative!” “Stop pitying yourself!” “Stop feeling sorry for yourself!” A person who is depressed or facing a crisis is not choosing to! Depression is a mental health condition, a chemical imbalance in the brain, a disease just like Diabetes or Asthma & should be recognized as such. People who face depression already feel crazy! They usually have excessive guilt & shame, feel hopeless &/or helpless, have low self-esteem, feel like a burden to everyone they know, have little or no motivation, lose pleasure &/or interest in activities they once enjoyed, experience weight loss or gain as well as insomnia or hypersomnia (not sleeping much/at all vs. sleeping too much,) feel incredible loneliness or start to isolate, and may be beginning to see life as not worth living because this exhaustion & pain becomes unbearable! None of this is a choice, but it is all a part of the disorder. These are the symptoms, & making comments like these is not only insensitive but emotionally abusive & neglectful.
To top that off, making statements like “You’re being overdramatic!” or “You’re such a crybaby!” are cruel & can make things worse. I cannot emphasize the importance of this enough. Do not gaslight. You may think you’re giving them “tough love,” a “reality check” or snapping them out of their funk, but this type of language is incredibly inconsiderate & only does more harm than good.
3. Playing “Devil’s Advocate” or Challenging
This, at first, can be done with the good intention of changing a person’s perspective or helping them to see more clearly. But if done carelessly or with persistence, it can become argumentative & damaging. For instance, say someone tells you about a friend that they feel slighted them or betrayed them. After you listen to their story, you start relating to & defending their friend’s actions. Sure, maybe you think their friend didn’t do anything wrong or malicious. That’s fine, & you can express that, maybe offer some clarity. But if you go out of your way to analyze the story & over-identify with their friend, you’re now taking sides & undermining their experience, making them feel like their point of view is insignificant or invalid. They came to you & told you the story because they were hurt & searching for support, not for you to overlook their take & ignore their feelings.
The only time I really see this as being helpful is if someone is thinking irrationally or delusionally. Otherwise, it’s unnecessary.
4. Giving Unsolicated Advice
This is one of the most common ones & I really dislike it. Humans, naturally, are fixers. When someone comes to us with a problem, it can be our first instinct to solve it. But giving advice when it isn’t requested can be rude, especially if you’re not well informed, qualified, or familiar with the person’s situation.
Very often, those of us who are feeling crappy just want to vent & release our frustrations. We don’t always need help, just a listening ear to hear us out. If we ask for it, give the best advice & guidance you can! But if not, don’t assume we need it & can’t figure things out on our own. Perhaps you’re trying to be helpful, but sometimes it’s just insulting & not useful. Plus, if we’re stuck inside of our minds all of the time, we’ve probably thought of all possible scenarios & decisions we could make & forged a plan.
Healthier Alternatives
Validate
As humans, we all seek validation. We want to feel like others hear & understand us. We want comfort & consolation. Instead of resorting to the reactions above, try saying things like, “I’m really sorry you went through that.” “That must have been tough.” “Gosh, that sounds stressful.” “Wow, that’s harsh.” “You’ve been through a lot.” Responses like this mirror feelings & show that you’ve been listening, you really do care, & you’re acknowledging or imagining what they’ve been through.
Relate
Another basic human need we have is for empathy & compassion. We want to feel like others can walk in our shoes & empathize with our struggles. We want to feel like others can relate to & connect with us. If someone tells you about how a recent breakup has devastated them, this is an opportune time to tell them about a devastating breakup you had. Use your lived experience & wisdom to help them through their hard time, to show them they’re not alone, & that they can recover. (To improve your skills in validating & relating, consider furthering your knowledge by doing research on “active listening” & “empathic responding.”)
Reframe
This can take more skill, but those who are depressed tend to look at life through a negative lens. Help restore the clarity of their lens. If they make a statement like, “I’m a failure,” rephrase it in a more realistic way. “No, you had a setback. But it’s a lesson learned, & now you can try again.” Or, “No, you struggled to get the results you wanted. But that doesn’t define you.” You can also complement them by reinforcing their strengths, skills, & accomplishments. Maybe they say something like, “I’m ugly, no one will ever want me.” And you can assure them how beautiful they are or mention how you know others admire them.
Have a Sense of Humor
If you’re not being insensitive by changing the subject, but making a horrible situation hilarious, that can definitely be a great way of lightening the mood! But really assess the needs of who you’re talking to & identify their communication style. Do they like to laugh things off? Or would they prefer you be serious & keep it real with them? Only YOU will know based on previous conversations. (Or you can always ask. Everyone has different needs at different times.)
Encourge and Instill a Sense of Hope
As previously explained, dealing with depression can make one hopeless. Their future may seem bleak to them, their view of the world may be shrouded in darkness. But you can help them see the light. We all need reassurance. Let them know things will be alright and turn out okay. Let them know that you are there for them & will support them every step of the way. Help them keep the faith alive, and remind them that there are resources out there for them if ever needed. Mental health services (i.e. therapy, psychiatry) & support groups are available (i.e. DBSA, NAMI, etc.) & you can refer them to these if they’re interested. If you’re willing, you can even offer to take them or accompany them so they’re not alone & can see your support through your actions rather than your words.
by Paul Simmons | Feb 18, 2022 | Personal Story
My name is Abraham Sculley and I was diagnosed with major depression during my freshman year of college.
Growing up, I had no idea what mental health was. I grew up in a devout Christian family and Jamaican-American household with not one but two Jamaican parents. At home, we didn’t talk about our feelings, and to me, the words “mental health” meant you were crazy. As a young man, I was raised to be a protector, provider, and priest for my future family. And there wasn’t any space for being vulnerable or expressing emotions that weren’t positive.
In 2014 I left home to be the first in my family to attend college. I was excited to go to college, but as a first-generation student, I dealt with a lot of challenges. I worked to provide for myself financially, I was a full-time student and I felt the daily pressure of succeeding at a high level to prove to my family, myself (and my 2 haters), that I could be successful.
It wasn’t until my second semester that everything went downhill. I became overwhelmed with stress and the pressure of being perfect weighed heavy on me. I remember not being able to physically get out of bed. I was missing classes, missing work, and I lost all motivation.
One weekend while in my apartment, I got a phone call that changed my life. My best friend saw that I was struggling and withdrawing so she decided to reach out and check-in. That conversation became a catalyst for me. It was the first time I had ever been honest, open, and transparent with someone, anyone.
Speaking with my friend helped me realize that it was okay to struggle, and I didn’t have to be ashamed about it. She even told me about the counseling center on campus. After speaking with a professional, I was able to identify a name for what I was experiencing, which was depression. And it was the awareness that led me to develop a passion for speaking up about mental health.
Today, I speak with audiences across the country, sharing my story so others will see there is hope, there is help, and we don’t have to suffer in silence. My passion for mental health advocacy comes from my battle with depression during college.
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